Today I’d thought I would talk a little about my own mental illness, as a lot of people cast it off as something else, or simply don’t understand it. I feel like talking about mental illness in this society is frowned upon, or unspoken. So here. Honesty time.
I have diagnosed Anxiety and Depression.
They are two sides of the same coin.
With anxiety, i feel things like: uneasiness, worry, doubt, uncertain, afraid, lost, overexcited, nervous, eagerness, fidgety, panic, over-stressed (usually over a little thing), unable to speak, unable to think straight, tension, self-conscious, restlessness, feeling inadequate, unable to socialize, JUST TO NAME A FEW.
I experience these things constantly, some feelings more than others. Sometimes I literally cannot socialize, sometimes I cannot do daily tasks.
Depression is a whole other animal: I feel tired all of the time, unable to move, belittled, empty, “dead inside”, hopeless, sad, feeling like a failure, uninterested, the list can go on and on.
So I have two forces inside my head competing against each other.
So, if/when I bite my nails, fidget, stress about a menial thing, or I am unable to: Drive, talk to people, do homework, get out of bed, go to class, go to work, think, breathe, or move, its all because of my buddies Anxiety and Depression.
It is very hard having both anxiety and depression, exhausting even. Having a mental illness comes with unpredictability. If I plan to take part in an event, there is a chance that at the last minute, I simply can’t. There are times where I change my mind to do something last minute as well. Sometimes I feel extra cuddly, sometimes I will freak out if someone touches me.
I simply have to accept that I will always have these illnesses, and have to work around them.
I also try to lower my anxiety and depression, by:
- Listening to music,
- Watch ASMR, a lot.
- Drink tea, avoid caffeine.
- Allot time for Self Care.
- Play video games
- “Hair therapy”- Dye, cut, bleach, change my hair
- Actual therapy.
- Rolling myself up in a blanket burrito and watching a movie, which is okay to do sometimes.
Unexpectedly, I get anxiety/panic attacks. These are fun. I literally cannot breathe, think or move. My heart races so fast, I feel like I am spinning, overwhelmed, underwater, gasping for air. Sometimes I have depressive episodes, where I cannot move, have no will to do anything. I am incapable. I feel as though the weight of the world is pushing me into the ground in both instances.
I have had both, lasting minutes, hours, days and even months at a time. It sucks. The best thing for me to do during these episodes is to acknowledge what is going on, breathe, and let it run it’s course.
A lot of the time, I hide what I am feeling, and cover it up with happiness. You know that saying, “the happiest people are the saddest”? That’s true. It is really easy to fake being okay.
I have accepted that I have these mental illnesses, and I know that I will end up okay.
I have gone down the rabbit hole many times, but I always manage to climb back out, in my own time.
Yes, I take medication for both illnesses, and I know that I most likely will never get off of medication, because they help.
The thing is, one in five adults experience some form of mental illness in any given year (per NAMI), so it is important to talk about.
That’s all I have to say today.
I talked before about mental illness here.